Where are our firefighters?

I didn't intend to start writing this.

I dug out some sketchbooks from a few years back. When I looked through them, I felt like they just radiated pain. I hate to look back at the person I was. I get even more worried that I'm still that person. I spent so long in such a bad place. I acted out, I cried for attention, I wrote melodramatic prose and drew depressing pictures.

I felt, and still feel, that other abuse survivors are valid, but I'm just difficult. I don't know how people stood to be around me when I was younger. I'm sure I must have just radiated negativity. When I hear of other abuse survivors, they seem so dignified in their recovery. Was I doing something wrong? I didn't tell people what was going on with me; I just acted out and went in circles, hoping they'd notice what was happening at home. Instead, they must have just thought I was an obnoxious melodramatic girl, with nothing better to do. I feel the same way, writing this now. Why should I bother expressing how I struggle to deal with these feelings? There’s a risk that someone will come across this and think ' for god's sake - get over yourself,' or 'How long ago?'. That’s a risk I have to weigh up each time I disclose myself.

It's strange; that a survivor can develop such crazy tactics. I must have developed this persona to protect myself, and I do feel at war with myself. My body was traitorous. I wanted to be a child, and my body was sexual. It still makes me shudder with disgust thinking about it. My muscles are flinching at writing these things down; as though determined to close it all back inside. Some part of me is trying to keep me quiet. My body is traitorous, like I said.

I'm sure other survivors don't make fools of themselves. I'm sure they don't act out and make spectacles of themselves. I'm sure their tutors and work managers don't look at them with pity or annoyance. I'm sure other survivors must deal with this better. To me, they all seem brave and dignified. Their pain is valid, but mine isn't. If I ever came to terms with my own hurt, I'd have to lay down and cry and that would be too dangerous. I've come too far to do that. If I really took ownership of my feelings, I'm scared I'd cry and not be able to stop, because I'm supposed to be 'better' by now. But how do I feel I should have dealt with what I went through? I can't actually answer this. I just feel this constant sense of needing to justify to people that it's hard to go about your life when it feels like you're going mad. If someone close to me had died, people would at least understand the gravity of the situation, and I wouldn’t be ashamed of anything. I don't always want sympathy - but I do want people to acknowledge my grief as valid, and let me hurt publicly.

Rape is a sex crime, but however similar to a theft it is, is intimate and far more problematic. People still see it, in some way or another, as bad sex. People I tell feel uncomfortable, because like it or not, I was involved in a shameful sexual act. It takes two; and I was one of them. But do I really have to remind people that someone held me down?
There's nothing romantic about rape. But as a rape victim, it's easy to try to romanticise it. I think we’re trying normalise our experience. Rape is such a personal and intimate invasion, and if your rapist is someone you love and would trust with your life, the feeling of betrayal is phenomenal. It feels like all your boundaries are being crossed at once. Your body suddenly becomes 'the body'. It feels like you don't own it any longer. To stay associated with it during an attack would be madness. So you begin a process of peeling yourself away from it.

If I ever felt upset the morning after a bad nightmare, it'd be great to say 'I had a bad dream about my rape,’ and at least let people know what the matter was. Hiding it away and mumbling 'nothing', and having the hurt seep out in unexpected places is where it seems inappropriate. That's when people start saying 'she's melodramatic.' I loathe that word. I cried when a girl scuffed all my new erasers in class when I was small. If I could have said 'I'm crying because I got raped again last night,' I wouldn't have seemed half as melodramatic at the time.

I feel that melodrama is the price I've paid because society can't face what happened to me. People say that they feel uncomfortable by my rape, and that it's awful to hear about. I feel a surge of pity for those people, because if people can't even hear about it - then what would they do if it happened to them? How on earth would they cope? Who would they talk to?

Although far removed from rape, I’ve been interested in the public’s treatment of 9/11 survivors. Survivors, who for example made it out of the buildings, spoke of the sheer horrors before getting out alive. If that person then said that whenever they heard a fire alarm, they were paralysed with fear; or they had nightmares of the event; what would the public think of her? Look at the effort made in New York for these people, and the lengths the fire-fighters went through.

Could people listen with the same respect if a rape victim talked about how the smell of oil reminded them of the rapist’s hands, and could paralyse them with fear? How many viewers would sit and listen, and not change the channel?

I think it was wonderful that 9/11 survivors could talk about their experiences with the support of everyone in their lives. Mentioning that you've been raped, can often be met with fear, disgust or rejection, which can be devastating to a survivor. To be a rape survivor is often to live your emotional life in the shadows, constantly trying to appear normal while you're dealing with your grief on the inside. We do this out of fear for those people that feel uncomfortable with us and we fear our stories being rejected. I feel that rape deserves to be treated with respect like other traumatic experiences.

It’s common for people to want to keep us quiet, as I’ve said, because people don’t want to feel uncomfortable. I can understand this, but it is problematic as it amplifies the feelings of shame that naturally accompany rape. Many rapists tell their victims to shut up, and this reminds us of it. We weren't to blame for our attacks, and although we may know that rationally, it’s hard to believe it and not feel shame. When we’re encouraged to be silent, it can feel like being burdened with the responsibility and shame that should be the rapist's alone.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have, like 9/11, to get that simple public support to help us through the day. The difference it could make, to have people face it, would be staggering. Especially when you consider that one in three women has been raped. Coming back to my 9/11 comparison, people identified so strongly, because it was the whole world's problem. It could happen to you. People knew people in the buildings, and in the planes...

But who around you is a rape survivor? When did you last discuss it with them? Take a guess how many around you are victims, yet would never tell you? Think you don't know a rape survivor? Think again. Statistics show that one third of rape survivors never fully recover the trauma, because the level of trauma is so immense that they need to talk about it, and often, can't. If people would just understand that just by acknowledging someone's suffering, even if it means you feeling uncomfortable for a little while, you could change someone's world? Rape is a worldwide problem. It happens every second of every day, to all sorts of people, in every culture and in every country. It doesn't matter what gender you are, or what colour your skin is. It isn't because of religion, or the price of oil.

We need rape survivors need to speak up. We need to be able to grieve, talk and understand what happened to us so we can recover. Keeping us quiet for other people's comfort levels isn’t fair. It's also important for us to be openly acknowledged as survivors, not participants. So how about it? How about allowing us the dignity of grieving openly for being hurt?

I would love to see people proceed with the same attitude the world had for 9/11 survivors towards rape survivors. Imagine if the public proceeded with the same caring display as seen in New York? Would the government start taking as much trouble to challenge potential rapists, as they do chasing potential terrorists?

Where are our fire-fighters?